The shards of glass the punctured my heart still remain/*insert emo title here*

So I'm sat in my own house freezing my arse off. This may be why I've been feeling rather weird all week. It's certainly not been conducive to doing anything really that productive. It's all because we went over our gas bill in January by £300 and February by £100.

In theory I can see why someone has turned the boiler off, but in reality I've taken to sleeping in clothes just to try and stay warm.

I'm in a rather "meh" mood. And that is a technical term, honest!

So yeah, this is another of those whiny, slightly-emo posts that doesn't really do more than provide me with an outlet and is probably not worth your time reading.

If you're reading this then well done on plucking up the courage to read further, good luck.

So life isn't exactly right where I want it right now. It's taking me closer to my overall goal but it's not put me in a very good place. I'm stuck between whether I'm pissed of at what I wished for or whether I couldn't be happier; it seems I am both.

This leads me to be pissed of an irritable and just feeling down right shit to be honest. If I was pissed off at what I'd wished for then I could blame myself and be done with it. But because I'm also really happy that it might lead me in the direction I want, it's fucking up my already defunct emotional system. Maybe if I were "normal" then it would be ok, I don't know. But fuck being "normal" 'cause then I'd probably not be as driven to get to where I want to be.

So let's do some maths;

Emotion 1 = (cold house)

Emotion 2 = (wrong wish?)

Emotion 1 + Emotion 2 = Emotion 3

Emotion 3 = (stupidfuckingpullmyhairoutscreamandcry)

Now I'm going to revise what I said before and say that it's an incredibly emo post as opposed to a slightly emo post.

So I'm feeling incredibly crappy, and all I want is a really hot, pounding shower (not like the weedy one we have here), a good, long, chat, a cry, some chocolate and a good film.

Not too sure that's gonna happen though. People will be busy doing other stuff; which whilst annoying is fair enough.

I might just settle for going to bed ridiculously early in an attempt to get a decent nights sleep.

On the plus-side I think last night went ok. I dj'd to an audience properly for the first time at a house party and whilst I didn't smash-it (technical term), I still think that it went down ok. I've just got to expand my music collection to vast and epic proportions so that at least every other song I play is a belter (technical term).

This plus-point made me happy until I woke up this morning and realised how cold I was, that I had to volunteer in the afternoon and how inexperienced and crappy my Ostara ritual for Pagan Soc. is going to look. Yay. -_-

Anyways. Time to sign off and try and find something productive/interesting to do.




xx

Rose-tinted-glasses and the colours exploded into a rainbow of happiness

And so with rose tinted glasses I gaze upon the world, my thoughts a melange of unfaltering thundering drums that are pounding out my heartbeat as I slowly realise not all is well, and the unforgettable nostalgia tinged with more than a little optimism so rarely found in nostalgia; memories sparked through the smelling of a sweet scent.

It is with joy that I view the world as such, the foolishness of my childhood replaced with dreams that at least know might fail tumbling down in a spiral of something more beautiful than fire yet colder than the very pinpricks of rain when the heavens start to open.

So today was spent in a very blissful state. It was a joy that for a period of time I didn't feel like finding the best place to hide and just disappearing.

It started when I reconnected with a friend in a way that made me certain that we are destined to be this close forever. Not that we'd ever really drifted apart, it's just... something happened and as a result as much as we both denied it there was probably a little something still lingering. Suffice to say that this lingering has been quashed once and for all; meaning that an awesome friendship was strengthened (if that's even possible) and my mood was set on the right track for the day.

This then lead to a few hours of doing bugger all and not feel particularly great (except I wasn't feeling particularly bad either), the sun was shining and I was restless. This grew and grew until I finally realised that people were really busy with work (like I probably should be) and that I wasn't going to get any company (which was fair enough) until I took off. I took my car, some classic literature, poetry writing materials, food and great music and drove. I drove to Grassmere. It's a great place that holds many memories for me. We've been to the Butharlyp Howe You Hostel many times of the years and it was great to be back again in the sunshine.

I walked round the lake, stopping off half-way round for foods, picture taking and poetry writing. Unfortunately I didn't take anything to sit on and as a result got a slightly wet and muddy bottom but that didn't stop me, only shortened the amount of time I was sat down. Eventually I arrived back in the village and stopped off for a Mint Choc Chip ice-cream. It was delicious, proper farm-made, Lakeland ice-cream is always the nicest. It was lubbly jubbly.

Then I drove home blasting The River (Springsteen) and Wild Young Hearts (Noisettes) with my window down, feeling the cool breeze against my face, the warm sun creating a kaleidoscopic array of colours as it refracted off my rose-tinted glasses.

Now it is time for productivity, but not until I've watched Hannibal. It doesn't quite fit the mood and weather conditions (Hannibal + sun = no) but I watched Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs the other night and so need to complete the quadrilogy by watching the next two. Then tomorrow it's time to sort out this shitty little mess I'm in and start being slightly more grown-up.

This worries me in that I hate being grown-up and stuff but there comes a time in everybody's life and I guess this is mine. I can, after all, be a little more childish next year when I'm back at uni. *insert overused emoticon here*

So for now I am happy, quietened by the inevitable fall of darkness and ready to face whatever the world throws at me; one problem at a time.

xx

Song of the day: The Noisettes - Never Forget You

Quote of the day: "I'll never forget you; they said we'd never make it; my sweet joy; always remember me"