Did you forget that yellow bird? How could you forget your yellow bird?

I've never made friends easily. I have no idea why. Yes, it sucks. No, it's not a choice.

That said it's never been too much of a problem. Of course it made high-school hellish but I immersed myself in books and music and it wasn't so much the lack of friends than the fact that a large proportion of my peers were dick-heads that made my time hellish enough to warrant depression.

Throughout college I made some of the most fantastic friends I could ever meet and while my social group was never very big and I wasn't always busy seeing friends in town or going to the cinema or whatever it was still a very happy time and being socially inept never posed too much of a problem for me.

Yeah. That all changed when I went to university. Having lived for 18 years in a small village with nothing to do at night except read books, watch t.v. and do work, moving to an environment where every-night there was something new and exciting for me to do was a bit of a shock. I don't think it helped that during the day when I wasn't in lectures I was in my bedroom, on my own.

The dynamics of college had made it so that when I wasn't in lectures/the library I was with friends, chatting or eating or whatever. Not having this kind of contact with people during the day meant that all my social activities were pushed to the evenings. Of course at first, during freshers week, this wasn't a problem. Then when actual university started, things went from "not as bad as I'd thought they were going to go" to "holy-fuck why am I going so insane? I need to see people now!" Oh and it turns out that when you're feeling like that, sod's law kicks in and everyone's busy.

Now there's a few fundamental things you need to understand about me to understand this;

1) I need human contact or I go crazy. Almost literally.

2) I'm not very good at organising.

3) I never learn.

 Put all three of those things together and you get someone who spends their nights, in their bedroom, on their own, going crazy, trying to just relax and read/listen to music but not being able to. This normally leads to a shitty mood and some kind of weird/crappy art. (My art = music, poetry, drawings).

I have no idea why I haven't changed but I guess it's because I'm not too sure what the problem really is. Is it that I'm crap at organising and need to arrange seeing people in advance so that they're not busy? Or is it that I need to get more friends so that I don't constantly feel like I'm harassing the same people for company all the time? It's probably a combination of both.

Even if I can come to the realisation that only I can make a change and do something different then I wouldn't know how to make those changes. How does one become more organised? I've spent 22 years trying to figure that one out and still not come to a distinct conclusion. As for making more friends well how the hell do I go about that? I mean I could you know, start talking to those people whom I met a few times added on Facebook but never really became friends with. That might be a start. But then that begs the question well what the heck do you talk about? I mean there's a few people who are totally awesome and whom I'd totally be friends with, if I
a) had the courage to actually meet up with them in real life
and
b) knew what we'd do/what we'd say/how we'd not get bored.

And so I've just come up with solutions to my problems and immediately shot holes in all of them. Seems to be a common occurrence. Maybe I like being on my own?

*insert tumbleweed*

Nope. NopeNopeNopeNopeNope. Been there, tried that, got the t-shirt, went crazy and then ripped it to shreds.


So, we've established that I don't like being on my own, that I don't have very many friends, that I'm crap at organising and that I feel really bad for "harassing" the same people all the time for attention.

Oh and I've just come to the realisation that I also have a distinct lack of fun things to do with people. I used the phrase "we could just stick on a film" far too often.


I reckon it's time to change all of this. Like seriously. It's made my life hell for approx. three years now and I'm going to go insane if I don't do something about it.

Where I'll start I have no fucking clue. What I'll do and where I'll go I'm not sure. Is it going to be one hell of a fun/scary ride? Yes. Am I ready to board the train and never look back? Erm... fuck it. YES!

Here's to the future.

Quote of the day: "So I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand" - Bright Eyes - I believe in symmetry

Song of the day: Above and Beyond - Tri-state 

The Official Soundtrack and More

So, I'm busy thinking about how I should get back in touch with my inner-poet and this just came out of nowhere. It's meant as a spoken word poem so how it looks/sounds written down might be different to how I perform it but you get the idea.


We're only psychedelic,
entwined at both the ends,
a swirling folk-a-delic
and my baby caught the bends,

We're only here in slumber,
only in the night,
half the conversation,
not a single bed in sight,

We're only just a memory,
falling through the flow,
there's a feeling here so grasp it
try and find the sky below,


They say we only have one life, and I know that's it's a cliché,
but I've danced upon the knife, to try and keep the hounds at bay,
tried to tell the wandering hands of love and of hate to go away,
but,

We only have one life,
and the jaded voices of our parents can't change the world we live in,
though they try to shed some light,

So let's drop the acid of our chemistry,
and forget the brutal way in which our life is under scrutiny,
not forget that life is just a game to play, try to just be true to me,
because the things that I will do and see, won't matter when I'm gone,

except of course the wars we fight, the way we're dropping bombs,

and if time has taught us anything,
it's that dead and gone means dead and gone,
not three days gone then resurrected because some pompous prick objected to Adam and Steve,
and the lives they lead,
because joy is a sin and we need to bleed,

and,

forgive the extended metaphor,
but life is so much more,
than the potential trip
to a gleaming palace,
I'd rather take the trip on earth,
and fall right down like Alice
through a wonderland of hope and joy where light meets dark,
and dreams can spark the flames of creation,
where the fires of damnation
are no worry
and bitter hearts can fly,

and,

far be it from me to vomit on your beliefs,
but, when it's happiness or heaven, take this gun and tell me then,
that hedonism is a sin, that love needs a place to begin, that come rain or shine this life of mine is wrong,

All we have right now is this,
just, fucking this...

and if pain can be transformed to bliss,
then put me down for hugging ever person on the street,
sharing love with everyone I meet,
because if smiling uncontrollably can take the pain away from me,
then I'd like to take the pain away from you,

and if you think that I'm weird, then grow your hair and grow your beard,
put on some Hendrix and fall in love with the aesthetic of life...

So remember,

We're only psychedelic,
only here the once,
you're my future, then my present,
then my past and then you're gone...