Disenchanted; though I'm not lyrically damaged...

I've not blogged in a while. I'd like to say it was because I was too busy. I'm just rather disenchanted at the moment. And you know what? I like it. I like the feeling that I have inside that makes me want to run away. It's a beautiful feeling. It's like my soul is going to burst in joyous rapture.

My life is a supernova in a universe. And in this split-second that is my life I have to use all the time that I have and do everything that I want. It's a beautiful realisation. And I'm going to act on it.

Expect to be hearing my music on a c.d.

Expect to be reading my words in a book.


So what have I been up to?

Lots.

I've been writing lots and lots and lots of music, frantically trying to get my thoughts down on my computer, editing and re-editing the simplest things to make it all sound perfect. And then quickly moving onto the next song, just so that it's not lost in the ether of my mind. Because ideas are milliseconds. And milliseconds move to quickly.

I have also been doing some writing. Less writing than making music admittedly but I don't mind. It's finding a healthy balance. I've not quite found it yet. But I'm nearly there.

My summer has consisted of me working. And if I haven't been at work I've been working at home for my resit. And I've been working on my organisation. And I've been working on my songs. I've been working at living home alone. I've been working on my relationship with my boyfriend Sam.

I haven't stopped. And whilst It's been exhilarating and exciting, it's also been every other emotion under the sun. Namely tiring. But I can deal with it for now. I'm just going to have to crash and burn when I finish work.

My songs are good. At least I'd like to think they are. Maybe they're not. But thinking like that wouldn't get me very far would it. Ok, so non of them are perfect album material.

But this is the beginning of something big.

I can feel it.

The fuse has been lit and soon I'm going to explode. Just like a firework.






I feel just how I assume Kerouac felt when he said “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

And I know it seems incredulous to believe it but I feel like I am Kerouac. On my own adventure. Never letting the moment pass me by. Never letting the precious little, golden, milliseconds pass me by. Which is why I've not been thinking about what happens when Sam goes away to Bangor on the 20th of September.

Our relationship has been strengthened to the point where I'm beginning to think that it would work, that I could cope with the long distance. In fact the more I think about it the more I realise that right now I would totally deal with the long distance.

Our relationship has been getting stronger. I don't know how, or why, but it has. So much so that we're going to Manchester Pride next weekend. Me, Sam and some friends. It's going to be awesome. We're not parading, just watching, waving flags, holding each others hand. Being blissfully in love. And not giving a flying fuck about anything other than what a special connection there is between us. Nurturing the connection like it was a delicate Bonsai.

I am in love.






There are no two ways about it.

I'm in love.

And there's nothing I can do.

xx

Quote of the day: “I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” - Jack Kerouac - On the Road

Song of the day: Marina and the Diamonds - I am not a robot

The world is dead...

The world is dead tonight.

I don't know why but everybody who claims to stay up late doing nothing has deserted the cyberspace to either do other things or sleep.

Fuckers.

If cyberspace is quiet then you obviously don't stay up late doing random things because you'd be recording it on social networking sites just like you did during the day.

I wish I was feeling like this last night.

Meh.

I had my boyfriend over which was nice. We watched Edward Scissor hands. I've not seen it in years. It was good. Then we ate ice-cream and watched some of "Live at the Apollo".

It was funny.

Then we got onto The Shawshank redemption.

Then I fell asleep.

This wasn't as good. But meh. He never minds. It's becoming a regular occurrence now. Only when we're watching films mind. But still. Then at like 3:00 in the morning I suggested we go to bed.

This resulted in sex, which was good, if a little strange. Well strange isn't the right word. I mean see I've never known anyone be "too hot" for sex. And whilst it was nice, and he wasn't too hot so as to finish me off, I felt like I almost wasn't a turn-on enough for him.

He assured me that it was just the temperature of the room. And to be fair it is a hot room (with the aga chimney running through one of the walls) and he doesn't like the heat at all. So I did believe him. It's more the case that I felt bad because of it.

I'll get over it.

But no. Tonight I have an energy that I wish I'd had last night. Because you know, Sam was up for staying up later, drinking more and watching more Shawshank, and possibly other stuff that was on t.v.

But alas it wasn't to be. I needed sleep. And he felt obliged to join me. Which is fair enough.

But tonight I have so much energy.

I sat outside with my laptop, some good music, and unknown amounts of Vodka and Coke. It was epic. The stars were out and I was in full rave mood, listening to Code 64, Apoptygma Berzerk, The Prodigy and Pendulum. It was awesome.

Now I'm being obsessed with Frankmusik's "Confusion Girl" and that's being played (via youtube) on repeat.

I think it's time to read more Alan Bennett.

Talking Heads = win.

And then I should probably sleep. So's I can be productive tomorrow.

That's all for now.

xx

Midnight raving; 'neath the stars

I had a good night tonight. I thought it was going to be boring with me wanting to dance and nobody being available for going out and stuff.

Turns out that you can have just as much fun on your own with some simple ingredients.

Take:

• One laptop.
• Some great music
• One amplifier
• Full volume
  
• An unknown amount of Vodka
• Some Coke
• One unclouded, starry night

And you end up with one epic night that's just so awesome it's unbelievable.

This is good.

I feel great. I'm still slightly tipsy. But I'm good. Very good.

This is all for now. I've no idea why I decided to blog. Oh well.

xx

I'm lucky...

I'm in a blogging mood. I don't know why. I haven't been in a properly blogg-ey mood for a bit. Which is strange. But hey.

First to appease both your artistic and your girlie sides two pictures.

This is beautiful. I want my life to be like that. All rainy yet sunny and artistic and clear and just darn right beautiful.



Now for something that will please the ladies and gay men.



I used it for one of my character profiles. It's how I imagined my character. And it's not just because my character's gay either. Although it did help when looking for pictures.

He's beautiful. Not as beautiful as my Sam mind.

I think I have a picture somewhere. Ahhh. Found it on my phone. Time to upload.

This one will please everybody who's been dyeing to see a picture of my wonderful, awesome, beautiful boyfriend.




The picture quality is crap 'cause it's from my shitty phone camera. And I'm not happy with the overall composition of the photo but y'a know I didn't have my DSLR on me. But it'll do. He's gorgeous anyway.

So yeah.

Life is good.

I have the house to myself for another two weeks whilst my parents journey off to Gozo; with my sister this time (having returned from a hockey tour in Australia with school).

This is all round goodness.

I nejoy having the house to myself. I think it's something about the being able to do whatever I want when I want. I mean my parents aren't really assholes (except when they are) but I can never do exactly what I want without feeling like I should be doing something else. There's always stuff to be done and although I have it easier than most, it's still a nightmare when I want to watch t.v. and get told to "do something else, it's not t.v. time yet" and that kind of shit. I'm nearly 20. I should be able to watch t.v. when I want. I do other stuff as well. It's not like I'm glues to the screen. Grrrr.

Maybe it's also the freedom to masterbuate when I want.

I mean. Having a boyfriend you'd think that I'd have no need to masturbate. And I don't. There is no need seeing as the sex is quite good. But having sex has given me a sex drive. And having a sex drive has increased the amount by which I feel the need to masturbate. It's a twisted logic. But I guess it's like having one drink and then having to get drunk because you feel the need for more drinks.

Now there's nobody here I can do it whenever I want without fear of getting caught.

I also like the fact that I can tidy my room when I want.

The reason my room is never immaculately tidy is because my mum tells me to tidy it. I don't like mess. And if I could tidy it when I wanted. I would tidy it. But because she's been nagging me all these years I've gotten used to it and now have gotten into the habit of only tidying when she asks. So if she didn't ask I'd start tidying it when I wanted and it would get done. Maybe not straight away. But it would get done.

Win win for both parties.

She won't have any of it though.

But meh.

So home alone is good.

Work isn't.

And I have more hours.

But that means more money.

Which will help me buy some c.d. d.j. decks.

http://www.djstore.com/item/numaxis9.htm

They look awesome. And I will actually have the money to buy them.

Then I can do some shows in Lancaster next term.

It's going to happen.

xx

p.s. I'm watching Autistic Me on BBC 3 and I feel lucky. I'm not autistic. But I'm dyspraxic and that means I'm on the autistic spectrum. But my difficulties aren't as 'bad' as those on the programme now.

Vinyl decks vs c.d. decks?

If anybody in the whole world wants to reply then go for it.

I'm looking for a set of decks. But I'm not rich. I wish. Well not I Don't but hey.

The pro's for Vinyl are as follows:

• Looks cool
• Retro

The con's are:

• Expensive
• Hard to maintain
• Not necessarily a better quality
• I don't have any vinyl's and would need to start a collection = expensive

Pro's for C.D.'s are:

• Cheap
• Easy to use
• I don't have to start a vinyl collection

The con's are:

• Not as cool looking

So anybody giving any advice would be great.

Can you scratch with c.d.'s?

I mean is there a facility to have something that looks like a vinyl that just plays c.d.'s instead?

That's all.

xx