Everything slots into place like the last few pieces of a jigsaw...

Life is finally taking shape. All my hopes and fears and dreams are being realised, vanquished and dreamt. It’s like the hands of the gods have been placed over me and like nothing could ever go wrong again. I mean of course I know something’s gonna go tits-up at some point. But I’m not going to think about that right now. I haven’t blogged in a week. Mainly due to the fact that I had my internet revoked at work and most of my blogs were lunch-time musings. But hey. Everything is coming together. In light of which I feel I should recount the tales of my planning.

So. I finally think I know what Emma’s birthday present is going to be. Well I knew when I bought the canvas that I was going to do something creative on it for her. But I wasn’t too sure what. I tried the whole printing out a quarter of her face on 6 x 4 paper and sticking it together at funny angles. Unfortunately her nose go missed out the middle (not through any fault of my own, more through the fault of the stupid printer) so that idea went down the drain. Now my idea has turned into something a little more modern art and less “best-friends forever” which is good. It means more serious and less cheese, which always equals a good birthday present. What I’m thinking is doing stripes of different thicknesses down the left hand side and some diagonal ones on the bottom left corner. Then probably do some kind of lightning bolt-style motif-ey-thing from the top right hand corner diagonally down. Then from there I’m thinking possibly doing some circles, of different sizes. All depending on what I come up with when I design it this evening. All I know is that it’s going to have lots of bold colours and be just absolutely epicly awesome. After some designing has been done, I shall then continue to plan her epic night-into-town, which will be as a kind of half

“birthday surprise”, half “you’ve never been into town” affair. I mean I know she’s going to be having her own birthday party that she’s organising, and that it would be unfair to not let her do that. So this isn’t going to rival that, merely go along side it and you know, be fun and cool and drunken!

In other news. I’m feeling a lot better about being with Sam. Not that I ever wasn’t happy about being with him, you must understand. I was always happy being with him (otherwise I wouldn’t be with him). It’s just I was always cautious because of him going to Bangor next year and all that malarkey. And you know, I had every right to be cautious.

But fuck that.

I’ve organised him a really special day on Sunday. I don’t think he reads me blog. So I think I’m safe to reveal the plans.

So yeah. He doesn’t know much. He knows that I’m waking him up about 10:30 and that I’ve got something planned for him, but he has no idea what and he’s really intrigued and excited and I feel powerful. Mwahahaha.

*Ahem*

So yeah. I’m picking him up at 10:30. He’ll probably just be waking up around then so I’ll you know, get him his coffee, wake him up even more and just generally make sure he’s ready to get going. This may take longer than planned (‘cause Sam’s not a morning person) but I’ve left enough time (I hope).

Then I’m taking him into town for a lazy brunch at All Fired Up, which is an epic café that does have pottery painting facilities. Not on Sunday though unfortunately. Maybe some other day.

There we will eat whatever we fancy, drink whatever we want and chat and talk and be generally the sickly couple that no-body who’s single really wants to be around.

Then we’re going to the cinema for the 12:40 (off the top of my head) showing of The Proposal which looks good. I wanted to go see Bruno or The Hangover but they’re on much later. And that doesn’t fit in with the plan. But hey.

So we watch the film, nom-nomming (technical term – infinitive “to nom”) on chocolate (popcorn is horrible yuuuuck!) and hopefully laughing (it’s a rom. com.) and generally having a good time. Then it’s back to his where I will cook him food (probably pasta based). Then we will dine on pasta based food and gorge ourselves on chocolate cake made form 100% bars that I purchased from Hotel Chocolat in Manchester the other weekend.

Then it’s upstairs for a massage and whatever else follows. I’ll leave that to your imagination.

That’s all for now.

xx

Feverish nightmares...

So last night (or rather early this morning) I threw up. It wasn't nice. I'd been feeling a little bit icky at work. But I just thought that was me just being hungry. I turns out it wasn't. I managed food last night, but it didn't really do much. I still felt slightly ill for some most of the evening. It wasn't too good. But you know I had some peppermint tea (as suggested in my book) and thought that might help. Turns out it didn't. I work up around 6:00 this morning and was thankful for the plastic bag next to my bed. Then I made my way to the bathroom where I was promptly sick some more. It wasn't fun being sick. It never is. But I didn't really have too much in me to be sick. The clenching of my stomach trying to expel toxins from my stomach was so painfully horrible I didn't know what was happening at first. Bleargh. To the max.

xx

Excuse me while I sing and scream towards the heavens that all betwixt heaven and earth is but a dream...

God am I feeling reminiscent. To the point where I'm actually tearing up.

I guess it kind of started when me and Liz (well Liz really) spotted Paul (with the hair *cue hand movements*) (I'll post a picture later, it's important for you to see the hair) in Manchester on Saturday. He didn't notice us and after deliberating for too long I decided to run after him. He was on an escalator so I shouted him a few times and he did turn round, but didn't see me. Which made me kinda sad. But hey. Then after leaving it a little too late again we decided that we should stalk him. He'd obviously left the arcade at this point. Which made me sad again. But hey ho. I cheered up not long after.

Today I looked on his myspace, in the hope of possibly getting in touch with him on facebook or by txt or something, as he doesn't seem to have updated his myspace in ages. This was to no avail however.

All it served to do was make me really, really reminiscent. and then teary because of the reminiscence.

And when I say teary I mean like actually almost going to cry teary. I'm at work so it's good that I didn't actually cry. But hey.

Now I'm listening to random music on my i-pod that's making me reminisce more. Which isn't too good, but hey.

I'm thinking of my tears as tears of joy. Or maybe not.

College was the best fucking two years of my life!

Hands down.

I'm sad that things moved on.

No matter the shit that I went through with depression and stuffs, it was the best two years of my life, no competition.

I'd love to go back to Runshaw for a day, with Liz, Paul, Emma and Rob, and just sit on those wooden benches outside Dalehead. The famous Dalehead restaurant where I spent many a lunch-time and many a free-period. It would have to be sunny though.

Crap, I've just realised that Paul was the first person I met at Runshaw. I mean I already knew Liz (and Emma apparently) from a French exchange a few years back, and even though we were in the same form I hadn't seen her in years and didnt' really know her. So this makes Paul the first person I met at Runshaw (besides my form tutor). He was in my form and the first thing I remember thinking is "Wow, look at that hair. He looks really cool. I'll sit next to him." He was the only person in the room besides me and the form tutor. It was kinda weird. But cool all the same.

And I rememeber after our first tutor period (that lasted half a day) Me, Liz and Paul all deciding where to get lunch. We were like first-day-buddies. It was awesome.

I need to stop reminiscing.

"But it feels so good."

"But it feels so sad."

"Good"

"Sad"

*Ahem*

Excuse me and my moment of mild multiple personality disorder their.

There's not much more to say.

Except that I wish I was back at college.

IT WAS AWESOME!

Oh how I wish I still felt the touch or something great,
how how I wish I still felt the warm laugh that used to lighten my day,
oh how I wish that times gone by were times still here,
oh how I wish...


*Edit* I've just remembered the phunk (funk) band that Me Dan and Paul were in. It was awesome. It was only for a while, but it was fun while it lasted.

Soundtrack to college: Erm... the soundtrack to college was probably anything by Elliot Minor, lots of P!nk, a good dose of Cradle of Filth, and some phunk.

Quote of the day:

• "Me and Justin were in the locker room talking and we were just reminiscing about it seems like just yesterday that we got here, and how we don't want it to be over.” - Lenny Jefferson.
  
  
• "To reminisce with my old friends, a chance to share some memories, and play our songs again.” - Ricky Nelson

My life laid on a platter like minature pork-pies at some pretentious art show...

What to blog about? I have no idea. My minds gone a bit blank today. I think I might just blog about my failures and successes in life.



Everyone has felt failure. Everyone has felt success. Little few though actually reach for their dreams. And I'm not talking about dreams that say "Oh It would be cool to be in a band" or the such-like. I mean proper, actual dreams.



I've been thinking about my dreams lately and whether or not I actually wanted to achieve them. And it got me to thinking that actually, I do want my dreams. I started to think that my life would be worthless and useless if I didn't reach for them and achieve them.



In light of that I got thinking about what I'd actually like to do as a job. What I'd like to spend my adult life doing. And I came to the conclusion that I don't want to be doing a job like my parents.



They're both optometrists (opticians with a few more qualifications) and own their own business. And you know, that's good for them. But both of them have been driven by a need to provide for their family what they didn't necesarrily have as children.



Being frank I must admit that I'm greatful that they chose that path. In a way I've had an "easy" life (when it comes to money - forgetting all the dyspraxia and depression and what-not) and I guess that we've never had to worry about money as a family and y'a know, afford to go to Marks and Spencers and stuff like that. I must point out thought that I was never spoilt. My parents always tried to keep me down to earth. And I think they succeded. Through and through.



But like I said, I don't want to go down that path, of having a career and it being my life and earning lots of money and having nice things and you know, being "wealthy".



I've come to the conclusion that if I don't do something creative as a job then I'll go insane and end up slitting my wrists or something similar. And that would be bad.



Attention Deficit Disorder makes it impossible to even think of me in an office or anything that involves me being in a suit.



So here goes laying out my life plan on a platter for all to see.



There are only a few things that I want in my life (that I can think of, more may come to me as I type)



Here goes;

1. A novel published - I have been thinking about this for a while now, and it's something that I always dreamed of, but I always dreamed in a way that was nothing more than dreaming. Now however, it's going to become a reality. I AM GOING TO PUBLISH AT LEAST ONE NOVEL BEFORE I DIE!
   


2. Record a C.D. for commercial purchase - This is something that has always been a big part of my dream, I have been writing and composing music since I first started to play the piano at the age of 10. It's a big part of my life and my life is so much better when I'm composing. Not many of my songs get finished, but that's because I usually write the first verse, the chorus and the middle-8 or bridge and then all I need to do to finish the song is record it and repeat bits. I AM GOING TO RECORD A C.D. FOR COMMERCIAL PURCHASE BEFORE I DIE!
   


3. Own a cottage in The Lake District - I took my first steps in The Lake District. Enough said? Thought not. I have been fell-walking in those mountains for years, and by years I mean all my life. At some periods (like right now) I've not been as frequently, but I still do it. And you know, I've never really imagined living anywhere else. Besides my parents house. It's strange. I know it's not just going to fall into my lap and that I'll have to save lots and lots of money to make it happen. But I'll save, and it WILL happen! I AM GOING TO LIVE IN A COTTAGE IN THE LAKE DISTRICT!

I am undecided as to what I want to make my career, music or writing, but if I could achieve just one of those as a career then I would be ecstatic. Doing both would be brilliant though. Difficult but brilliant.

So yeah. That's how my life is going to be, summed up in three simple points.

I can feel a kind of electricity in the air after writing all that. I can feel the fire of desire burning bright. Right at this moment I feel more productive than ever before. Right now I know I am going to reach far beyong the moon and stars. Right now I will live to work, not work to live.

I AM ALIVE!!!

Quote of the day: "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do." - Bob Dylan (so true)

Song of the day: Beirut - Scenic World

Fleeting bursts of energy, channeled into nothing more than the tap, tap, tap of fingers on keys...

Today is weird. In an "I don't know what's going on" kind of way. I mean 'cause I started the day a little late today, after having an hour lie-in, which subsequently made me have to rush this morning. The up-side to me having to rush was that I ended up feeling full of energy when I arrived at work this morning.

That soon dissapeared.

Then I got a pain in my left "moob" (for want of a better word 'cause it's not that much of a moob) that wouldn't go away. Which was strange.

Then I started feeling on and off sleepy. I have been all morning. I mean yesterday I was just zonked all day. Today though I've been on and off sleepy. It's strange. I mean ok, Mock the Week did keep me up until 11:00, but it's not that fucking late. And it shouldn't make me this fucking tired.

Holy crap. I've just rememebered that I got up at 1:00. Haha. Not intentionally you see. But I remember waking up and seeing that it wa slight and going to the loo and then switching on my phone just in case I had slept right through my alarm (something I never do). Then when I realised it was 1:00 I went straight back to bed and back to sleep.

Maybe that is a contributing factor to my tiredness.

But then again I don't think so.

Mainly because I've had lots and lots of nice, comfortable nights of uninterrupted sleep and still felt this tired.

Meh I'm pissed off with my work days at the moment. I was going to say that I was pissed off with my life. But then I realised how good it is spending all this time with my best friends and my boyfriend. And y'a know, things could be worse... I guess.

So in a roundabout way I've gone from feeling angry and pissed, to feeling content in the knowledge that I am living life, that I am enjoying myself, and that hopefully this fucking tiredness will go away soon.

On another more sombre note, I am going to have to break up with Sam at some point. It's not ideal, but he's going to Bangor University in Wales next year. I'm not a long distance person. If over the summer I fall even more in love with him (if that's possible) then I might give it a try, but to be honest it would be really, really, difficult, because I really, really, really, really, really, need my attention. And then there's the fact that he comes from London and that he wouldn't really have any need to be in Lancaster except to see me, and that it would be really difficult to see him at holidays and stuff because he'd either be in Wales or London. And you know, they're both pretty far away.

I'm going to see how it goes though. I'm going to take it in my stride and love him whilst I can. I am going to make sure that we do the things we want to do together, before circumstances push us apart.

This will involve planning. But it will be done.

Peace out.

xx

Quote of the day: "Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach."

Song of the day: Exploration of Space - Cosmic Gate