Did you forget that yellow bird? How could you forget your yellow bird?

I've never made friends easily. I have no idea why. Yes, it sucks. No, it's not a choice.

That said it's never been too much of a problem. Of course it made high-school hellish but I immersed myself in books and music and it wasn't so much the lack of friends than the fact that a large proportion of my peers were dick-heads that made my time hellish enough to warrant depression.

Throughout college I made some of the most fantastic friends I could ever meet and while my social group was never very big and I wasn't always busy seeing friends in town or going to the cinema or whatever it was still a very happy time and being socially inept never posed too much of a problem for me.

Yeah. That all changed when I went to university. Having lived for 18 years in a small village with nothing to do at night except read books, watch t.v. and do work, moving to an environment where every-night there was something new and exciting for me to do was a bit of a shock. I don't think it helped that during the day when I wasn't in lectures I was in my bedroom, on my own.

The dynamics of college had made it so that when I wasn't in lectures/the library I was with friends, chatting or eating or whatever. Not having this kind of contact with people during the day meant that all my social activities were pushed to the evenings. Of course at first, during freshers week, this wasn't a problem. Then when actual university started, things went from "not as bad as I'd thought they were going to go" to "holy-fuck why am I going so insane? I need to see people now!" Oh and it turns out that when you're feeling like that, sod's law kicks in and everyone's busy.

Now there's a few fundamental things you need to understand about me to understand this;

1) I need human contact or I go crazy. Almost literally.

2) I'm not very good at organising.

3) I never learn.

 Put all three of those things together and you get someone who spends their nights, in their bedroom, on their own, going crazy, trying to just relax and read/listen to music but not being able to. This normally leads to a shitty mood and some kind of weird/crappy art. (My art = music, poetry, drawings).

I have no idea why I haven't changed but I guess it's because I'm not too sure what the problem really is. Is it that I'm crap at organising and need to arrange seeing people in advance so that they're not busy? Or is it that I need to get more friends so that I don't constantly feel like I'm harassing the same people for company all the time? It's probably a combination of both.

Even if I can come to the realisation that only I can make a change and do something different then I wouldn't know how to make those changes. How does one become more organised? I've spent 22 years trying to figure that one out and still not come to a distinct conclusion. As for making more friends well how the hell do I go about that? I mean I could you know, start talking to those people whom I met a few times added on Facebook but never really became friends with. That might be a start. But then that begs the question well what the heck do you talk about? I mean there's a few people who are totally awesome and whom I'd totally be friends with, if I
a) had the courage to actually meet up with them in real life
and
b) knew what we'd do/what we'd say/how we'd not get bored.

And so I've just come up with solutions to my problems and immediately shot holes in all of them. Seems to be a common occurrence. Maybe I like being on my own?

*insert tumbleweed*

Nope. NopeNopeNopeNopeNope. Been there, tried that, got the t-shirt, went crazy and then ripped it to shreds.


So, we've established that I don't like being on my own, that I don't have very many friends, that I'm crap at organising and that I feel really bad for "harassing" the same people all the time for attention.

Oh and I've just come to the realisation that I also have a distinct lack of fun things to do with people. I used the phrase "we could just stick on a film" far too often.


I reckon it's time to change all of this. Like seriously. It's made my life hell for approx. three years now and I'm going to go insane if I don't do something about it.

Where I'll start I have no fucking clue. What I'll do and where I'll go I'm not sure. Is it going to be one hell of a fun/scary ride? Yes. Am I ready to board the train and never look back? Erm... fuck it. YES!

Here's to the future.

Quote of the day: "So I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand" - Bright Eyes - I believe in symmetry

Song of the day: Above and Beyond - Tri-state