I've never made friends easily. I have no idea why. Yes, it sucks. No, it's not a choice.
That said it's never been too much of a problem. Of course it made high-school hellish but I immersed myself in books and music and it wasn't so much the lack of friends than the fact that a large proportion of my peers were dick-heads that made my time hellish enough to warrant depression.
Throughout college I made some of the most fantastic friends I could ever meet and while my social group was never very big and I wasn't always busy seeing friends in town or going to the cinema or whatever it was still a very happy time and being socially inept never posed too much of a problem for me.
Yeah. That all changed when I went to university. Having lived for 18 years in a small village with nothing to do at night except read books, watch t.v. and do work, moving to an environment where every-night there was something new and exciting for me to do was a bit of a shock. I don't think it helped that during the day when I wasn't in lectures I was in my bedroom, on my own.
The dynamics of college had made it so that when I wasn't in lectures/the library I was with friends, chatting or eating or whatever. Not having this kind of contact with people during the day meant that all my social activities were pushed to the evenings. Of course at first, during freshers week, this wasn't a problem. Then when actual university started, things went from "not as bad as I'd thought they were going to go" to "holy-fuck why am I going so insane? I need to see people now!" Oh and it turns out that when you're feeling like that, sod's law kicks in and everyone's busy.
Now there's a few fundamental things you need to understand about me to understand this;
1) I need human contact or I go crazy. Almost literally.
2) I'm not very good at organising.
3) I never learn.
Put all three of those things together and you get someone who spends their nights, in their bedroom, on their own, going crazy, trying to just relax and read/listen to music but not being able to. This normally leads to a shitty mood and some kind of weird/crappy art. (My art = music, poetry, drawings).
I have no idea why I haven't changed but I guess it's because I'm not too sure what the problem really is. Is it that I'm crap at organising and need to arrange seeing people in advance so that they're not busy? Or is it that I need to get more friends so that I don't constantly feel like I'm harassing the same people for company all the time? It's probably a combination of both.
Even if I can come to the realisation that only I can make a change and do something different then I wouldn't know how to make those changes. How does one become more organised? I've spent 22 years trying to figure that one out and still not come to a distinct conclusion. As for making more friends well how the hell do I go about that? I mean I could you know, start talking to those people whom I met a few times added on Facebook but never really became friends with. That might be a start. But then that begs the question well what the heck do you talk about? I mean there's a few people who are totally awesome and whom I'd totally be friends with, if I
a) had the courage to actually meet up with them in real life
and
b) knew what we'd do/what we'd say/how we'd not get bored.
And so I've just come up with solutions to my problems and immediately shot holes in all of them. Seems to be a common occurrence. Maybe I like being on my own?
*insert tumbleweed*
Nope. NopeNopeNopeNopeNope. Been there, tried that, got the t-shirt, went crazy and then ripped it to shreds.
So, we've established that I don't like being on my own, that I don't have very many friends, that I'm crap at organising and that I feel really bad for "harassing" the same people all the time for attention.
Oh and I've just come to the realisation that I also have a distinct lack of fun things to do with people. I used the phrase "we could just stick on a film" far too often.
I reckon it's time to change all of this. Like seriously. It's made my life hell for approx. three years now and I'm going to go insane if I don't do something about it.
Where I'll start I have no fucking clue. What I'll do and where I'll go I'm not sure. Is it going to be one hell of a fun/scary ride? Yes. Am I ready to board the train and never look back? Erm... fuck it. YES!
Here's to the future.
Quote of the day: "So I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand" - Bright Eyes - I believe in symmetry
Song of the day: Above and Beyond - Tri-state
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
The Official Soundtrack and More
So, I'm busy thinking about how I should get back in touch with my inner-poet and this just came out of nowhere. It's meant as a spoken word poem so how it looks/sounds written down might be different to how I perform it but you get the idea.
We're only psychedelic,
entwined at both the ends,
a swirling folk-a-delic
and my baby caught the bends,
We're only here in slumber,
only in the night,
half the conversation,
not a single bed in sight,
We're only just a memory,
falling through the flow,
there's a feeling here so grasp it
try and find the sky below,
They say we only have one life, and I know that's it's a cliché,
but I've danced upon the knife, to try and keep the hounds at bay,
tried to tell the wandering hands of love and of hate to go away,
but,
We only have one life,
and the jaded voices of our parents can't change the world we live in,
though they try to shed some light,
So let's drop the acid of our chemistry,
and forget the brutal way in which our life is under scrutiny,
not forget that life is just a game to play, try to just be true to me,
because the things that I will do and see, won't matter when I'm gone,
except of course the wars we fight, the way we're dropping bombs,
and if time has taught us anything,
it's that dead and gone means dead and gone,
not three days gone then resurrected because some pompous prick objected to Adam and Steve,
and the lives they lead,
because joy is a sin and we need to bleed,
and,
forgive the extended metaphor,
but life is so much more,
than the potential trip
to a gleaming palace,
I'd rather take the trip on earth,
and fall right down like Alice
through a wonderland of hope and joy where light meets dark,
and dreams can spark the flames of creation,
where the fires of damnation
are no worry
and bitter hearts can fly,
and,
far be it from me to vomit on your beliefs,
but, when it's happiness or heaven, take this gun and tell me then,
that hedonism is a sin, that love needs a place to begin, that come rain or shine this life of mine is wrong,
All we have right now is this,
just, fucking this...
and if pain can be transformed to bliss,
then put me down for hugging ever person on the street,
sharing love with everyone I meet,
because if smiling uncontrollably can take the pain away from me,
then I'd like to take the pain away from you,
and if you think that I'm weird, then grow your hair and grow your beard,
put on some Hendrix and fall in love with the aesthetic of life...
So remember,
We're only psychedelic,
only here the once,
you're my future, then my present,
then my past and then you're gone...
We're only psychedelic,
entwined at both the ends,
a swirling folk-a-delic
and my baby caught the bends,
We're only here in slumber,
only in the night,
half the conversation,
not a single bed in sight,
We're only just a memory,
falling through the flow,
there's a feeling here so grasp it
try and find the sky below,
They say we only have one life, and I know that's it's a cliché,
but I've danced upon the knife, to try and keep the hounds at bay,
tried to tell the wandering hands of love and of hate to go away,
but,
We only have one life,
and the jaded voices of our parents can't change the world we live in,
though they try to shed some light,
So let's drop the acid of our chemistry,
and forget the brutal way in which our life is under scrutiny,
not forget that life is just a game to play, try to just be true to me,
because the things that I will do and see, won't matter when I'm gone,
except of course the wars we fight, the way we're dropping bombs,
and if time has taught us anything,
it's that dead and gone means dead and gone,
not three days gone then resurrected because some pompous prick objected to Adam and Steve,
and the lives they lead,
because joy is a sin and we need to bleed,
and,
forgive the extended metaphor,
but life is so much more,
than the potential trip
to a gleaming palace,
I'd rather take the trip on earth,
and fall right down like Alice
through a wonderland of hope and joy where light meets dark,
and dreams can spark the flames of creation,
where the fires of damnation
are no worry
and bitter hearts can fly,
and,
far be it from me to vomit on your beliefs,
but, when it's happiness or heaven, take this gun and tell me then,
that hedonism is a sin, that love needs a place to begin, that come rain or shine this life of mine is wrong,
All we have right now is this,
just, fucking this...
and if pain can be transformed to bliss,
then put me down for hugging ever person on the street,
sharing love with everyone I meet,
because if smiling uncontrollably can take the pain away from me,
then I'd like to take the pain away from you,
and if you think that I'm weird, then grow your hair and grow your beard,
put on some Hendrix and fall in love with the aesthetic of life...
So remember,
We're only psychedelic,
only here the once,
you're my future, then my present,
then my past and then you're gone...
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Changing of the seasons
Right now everything is sublime. It is all tinted with a rosey colour, smells like freshly cut grass and sounds like Nick Drake. And there is a reason for this. That reason is embedded in the turning of the wheel, in the sort sultry slumber of spring that signals the awakening of the world from it's long winter hibernation.
Now as someone who suffers from the symptoms of S.A.D. the coming of spring is always welcome. Now I don't know anyone who doesn't suffer some kind of winter blues in some form or other, even if it's just the cry of "eurgh it's winter, it gets dark early." and as such I don't see myself as being special. That said I do notice a remarkable difference when the weather changes from "weak-as-piss-rain" to "not so much warmer and only slightly less cloud". (By which I mean I live in the U.K. and that the change from winter to spring isn't always a dramatic change.)
When spring does eventually, well, 'spring', I notice a dramatic change within my mood, my ability to rise early, my music taste and the frequency with which I try and get away with wearing shorts. This is due, in part, to longer daylight hours but also to a shift in something more profound. I believe that the changing of the seasons can be equated to the turning of a wheel, something that always returns to the beginning, over and over again, cyclical and ever spinning. It is this turning of the wheel that I feel connects me to the changing of the seasons, and is responsible for the feelings of elation that I feel every time I can feel spring around the corner.
Most of the time, this changing of the seasons is greeted by myself with a few whoops and cheers, some trips to random places in my car with the stereo blasting, and a fair bit of partying but this time around something feels different.
This time around I feel like I am right on the precipice of an experience so sublime and wonderful I feel my outlook on life could be changed forever. I am standing close to the edge, can hear the sea and am ready to dive into it's blue, calming waters with the confidence and courage I lacked as a child. The only way I can describe it is as though I'm standing at a door with my hand on the handle, not knowing what is beyond the door but still being excited to step through anyway.
I can see this taking shape in a few forms.
Firstly I am finally coming to grips with my sense of self-control. I once saw the quote "Everything in moderation, including moderation" by the Buddha in a fantastic (though sadly closed) Buddhist cafe on the island of Gozo and it seared its way into my impressionable teenage brain and has stuck with me ever since. Except that of late I have noticed (via my ever expanding waistline) that I've forgotten about the first half of that phrase "everything in moderation". Now before you all get worried, this doesn't mean I'm going to be any less crazy than I am or that I'm going to party any less, it just means I'm going to start being aware of it more and hopefully strike up a good balance between work and play. To this end I have started Yoga classes once a week to help (for want of a better word) 'un-stiffen' my incredibly stiff muscles, to help me ache less, to help give me some confidence and to one day be able to touch my toes.
I have also started on a journey of getting back in touch with my Paganism. Now you'd think that being the chair of an "Earth Religions Society" for the year I'd be more in touch with my Paganism than ever before. That's where you're wrong. Going away to university, and being partially-diagnosed with A.D.D., put me out of touch with my spirituality and for a while left me a nervous wreck. This extended to me loosing my ability to focus long enough to meditate, work magik/rituals, or to visualise. I am finally learning the ropes of this whole life thing and slowly am able to start taking some of these things back. Starting with meditation.
As a mild-chronic-insomniac meditation helped me in the throes of my youth when I am sure I was destined to become far more depressive, and downright weird. It's been a long while since I actually sat still for longer than 15 minutes (like I used to) but I am slowly learning that I need to take the time to become in-tune with my needs and that taking a few paces back from life can give you a wonderfully new perspective on everything.
Secondly, is how I treat people. Now I'm going to sound egotistical staying this but who cares. I have always been (or at least tried to be) the nicest, sweetest person to everyone. Yeah. Then high-school happened and post bullying and in the throes of depression this went straight down the drain. Once I'd picked myself up, I regained my composure and became all sweet and lovely and trying to liking everyone. Then out of nowhere... *KAPOW* I was hit with this sudden urge to bitch about people. Not everyone, but just those who I deemed annoying enough to warrant a slap around the face. Gone was the idea that if I got to know them they'd change, and in came the callous words spoken only in the company of friends. Fortunately I stopped, took a few steps backs and realised what I was doing. Yeah. Time to change that. And change it I will. Tim Minchin said "I will judge you for no reason but your deeds." and I agree wholeheartedly.
And on that note it is time for me to bid you adieu, and leave my desk to enjoy the last remnants of this sunshine.
Peace
xx
Quote of the day: "What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? It's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies." - Jack Kerouac, On the Road
Song of the day: Nick Drake - Pink Moon
When spring does eventually, well, 'spring', I notice a dramatic change within my mood, my ability to rise early, my music taste and the frequency with which I try and get away with wearing shorts. This is due, in part, to longer daylight hours but also to a shift in something more profound. I believe that the changing of the seasons can be equated to the turning of a wheel, something that always returns to the beginning, over and over again, cyclical and ever spinning. It is this turning of the wheel that I feel connects me to the changing of the seasons, and is responsible for the feelings of elation that I feel every time I can feel spring around the corner.
Most of the time, this changing of the seasons is greeted by myself with a few whoops and cheers, some trips to random places in my car with the stereo blasting, and a fair bit of partying but this time around something feels different.
This time around I feel like I am right on the precipice of an experience so sublime and wonderful I feel my outlook on life could be changed forever. I am standing close to the edge, can hear the sea and am ready to dive into it's blue, calming waters with the confidence and courage I lacked as a child. The only way I can describe it is as though I'm standing at a door with my hand on the handle, not knowing what is beyond the door but still being excited to step through anyway.
I can see this taking shape in a few forms.
Firstly I am finally coming to grips with my sense of self-control. I once saw the quote "Everything in moderation, including moderation" by the Buddha in a fantastic (though sadly closed) Buddhist cafe on the island of Gozo and it seared its way into my impressionable teenage brain and has stuck with me ever since. Except that of late I have noticed (via my ever expanding waistline) that I've forgotten about the first half of that phrase "everything in moderation". Now before you all get worried, this doesn't mean I'm going to be any less crazy than I am or that I'm going to party any less, it just means I'm going to start being aware of it more and hopefully strike up a good balance between work and play. To this end I have started Yoga classes once a week to help (for want of a better word) 'un-stiffen' my incredibly stiff muscles, to help me ache less, to help give me some confidence and to one day be able to touch my toes.
I have also started on a journey of getting back in touch with my Paganism. Now you'd think that being the chair of an "Earth Religions Society" for the year I'd be more in touch with my Paganism than ever before. That's where you're wrong. Going away to university, and being partially-diagnosed with A.D.D., put me out of touch with my spirituality and for a while left me a nervous wreck. This extended to me loosing my ability to focus long enough to meditate, work magik/rituals, or to visualise. I am finally learning the ropes of this whole life thing and slowly am able to start taking some of these things back. Starting with meditation.
As a mild-chronic-insomniac meditation helped me in the throes of my youth when I am sure I was destined to become far more depressive, and downright weird. It's been a long while since I actually sat still for longer than 15 minutes (like I used to) but I am slowly learning that I need to take the time to become in-tune with my needs and that taking a few paces back from life can give you a wonderfully new perspective on everything.
Secondly, is how I treat people. Now I'm going to sound egotistical staying this but who cares. I have always been (or at least tried to be) the nicest, sweetest person to everyone. Yeah. Then high-school happened and post bullying and in the throes of depression this went straight down the drain. Once I'd picked myself up, I regained my composure and became all sweet and lovely and trying to liking everyone. Then out of nowhere... *KAPOW* I was hit with this sudden urge to bitch about people. Not everyone, but just those who I deemed annoying enough to warrant a slap around the face. Gone was the idea that if I got to know them they'd change, and in came the callous words spoken only in the company of friends. Fortunately I stopped, took a few steps backs and realised what I was doing. Yeah. Time to change that. And change it I will. Tim Minchin said "I will judge you for no reason but your deeds." and I agree wholeheartedly.
And on that note it is time for me to bid you adieu, and leave my desk to enjoy the last remnants of this sunshine.
Peace
xx
Quote of the day: "What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? It's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies." - Jack Kerouac, On the Road
Song of the day: Nick Drake - Pink Moon
Friday, 9 September 2011
There's changing times...
"There's changing times,
and changing lives,
trains of thought,
and trains of desire.."
My life is changing. In ways that I never imagned possible, my life has taken a course which twists and turns through the darkest depth of my psyche right through to the happiest moments. These twists and turns cause questions to arise; Am I on the right path? Do I really enjoy what I'm doing? Do I just enjoy the idea that won't end up doing a "proper" job?
If I'm being honest (and what other way is there to be), my summer wasn't great. In fact it was pretty crappy. There have been some awesome moments but I believe that I always knew in the back of my mind that these moments were tainted by something not so sweet. Now over the years I have developed a sort of self-perpetuating happiness and a positivity that usually kicks in when things are going wrong and manages to keep me positively afloat. Sometimes though the feeling that I just want to crawl beneath the sheets and hold someone until the world rights its wrongs is so very strong. That's not to say that I would be able to - A.D.D. pretty much prevents me from staying still for anything longer than 5 minutes (even when I'm asleep) - or that because I want to hide I have given up on life at all. But it does make me begin to wonder whether any of this is worth it all. Is it worth struggling through a university course where ultimately my happiness isn't guaranteed just to fulfill some part of my life that I feel is "necessary"? Is it worth struggling into a difficult career when I know that I would be quite happy making music as a hobby in my bedroom? Of course I know that I could never be happy in any other career and maybe I'm being stupid and naive in thinking that I could ever find the kind of happiness I strive for in my life but it definitely feels like there's a choice I have to make between the short, sweet pleasure and a longer pleasure that is more difficult to achieve.
Change can be a wonderful and intoxicating thing and it is in these uncertain times that I have to grab life with both my hands and shake it until I have coveted every last second it has to offer.
This moment is all I have and goddamnit it's fucking awesome!
Quote of the day:
"aren't we married?!
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
it's not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it" - Bon Iver, Beth/Rest
Song of the day: Nitin Sawhney - Days of Fire
and changing lives,
trains of thought,
and trains of desire.."
My life is changing. In ways that I never imagned possible, my life has taken a course which twists and turns through the darkest depth of my psyche right through to the happiest moments. These twists and turns cause questions to arise; Am I on the right path? Do I really enjoy what I'm doing? Do I just enjoy the idea that won't end up doing a "proper" job?
If I'm being honest (and what other way is there to be), my summer wasn't great. In fact it was pretty crappy. There have been some awesome moments but I believe that I always knew in the back of my mind that these moments were tainted by something not so sweet. Now over the years I have developed a sort of self-perpetuating happiness and a positivity that usually kicks in when things are going wrong and manages to keep me positively afloat. Sometimes though the feeling that I just want to crawl beneath the sheets and hold someone until the world rights its wrongs is so very strong. That's not to say that I would be able to - A.D.D. pretty much prevents me from staying still for anything longer than 5 minutes (even when I'm asleep) - or that because I want to hide I have given up on life at all. But it does make me begin to wonder whether any of this is worth it all. Is it worth struggling through a university course where ultimately my happiness isn't guaranteed just to fulfill some part of my life that I feel is "necessary"? Is it worth struggling into a difficult career when I know that I would be quite happy making music as a hobby in my bedroom? Of course I know that I could never be happy in any other career and maybe I'm being stupid and naive in thinking that I could ever find the kind of happiness I strive for in my life but it definitely feels like there's a choice I have to make between the short, sweet pleasure and a longer pleasure that is more difficult to achieve.
Change can be a wonderful and intoxicating thing and it is in these uncertain times that I have to grab life with both my hands and shake it until I have coveted every last second it has to offer.
This moment is all I have and goddamnit it's fucking awesome!
Quote of the day:
"aren't we married?!
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
it's not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it" - Bon Iver, Beth/Rest
Song of the day: Nitin Sawhney - Days of Fire
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Three little words...
I haven't blogged in ages and to be honest I don't know why. Maybe it's because I tend to blog when I'm not feeling great and I've been feeling awesome for a while now? I hope that's the reason. :)
So, what have I been up to?
Well, I finished my album Apathy Just Died which was for my university course and was graded at a B. I have it for sale now which is awesome. :D I have finished the year and having just done my exams I have found out that I have four re-sits to take. This isn't great. In fact this is pretty crappy. But lo and behold my magical and fantastic optimism managed to kick in before I got too dejected about it and I am feeling positive that I will make it through to second year! Time now to knuckle down and make sure I can go into my re-sits feeling confident and pass them with flying colours!
Besides uni work I've been doing loads of musical work, specifically on my Cosmic Fallacies project. It's full of disco, house, techno awesomeness and has rejuvinated my love of music (not that it ever really waned...)
I am currently failing to find work but have sent out some c.v.'s and have signed up to an agency. I will be handing out more c.v.'s and looking in different places over the coming weeks and hopefully I will find something that will help me pay of my "debt".
I place debt in inverted commas because it wasn't voluntary debt more just the goverment expecting my parents to pay and my parents expecting me to pay half of it back...
So yeah, not much more to report really except that life is awesome and stuff... oh wait!
I have no idea how I could have forgotten!
I now have a boyfriend. :D He is awesome and gorgeous and has a really cute grin he does when our noses touch and I tease him for a kiss. We have now been together just over two months and I am incredibly happy. He makes me smile so much. :D :D :D :D
I have been missing him like crazy recently due to him being in Birmingham and me being in Blackpool but I got to spend an awesome long weekend with him for his birthday and I get to see him in August when we go see Much Ado About Nothing with........ DAVID TENNANT and KATHERINE TATE! Fuck yeah! It's going to be fantastic... boyfriend, Shakespeare, famous people what more could I want!? :P
So yeah, life has been full of awesome and crap in equal doses recently but once again I have managed to keep my spirits high and I am just as happy and energetic as ever. If not more so!
Peace.
Quote of the day: "They say home is where the heart is, and my heart is in your hands..." - David Broadhurst
Song of the day: Tensnake - Something about you (As egotistical as it it I'd like to be able to link to the remix of this song that I'm working on for the competition but it's not online yet)
So, what have I been up to?
Well, I finished my album Apathy Just Died which was for my university course and was graded at a B. I have it for sale now which is awesome. :D I have finished the year and having just done my exams I have found out that I have four re-sits to take. This isn't great. In fact this is pretty crappy. But lo and behold my magical and fantastic optimism managed to kick in before I got too dejected about it and I am feeling positive that I will make it through to second year! Time now to knuckle down and make sure I can go into my re-sits feeling confident and pass them with flying colours!
Besides uni work I've been doing loads of musical work, specifically on my Cosmic Fallacies project. It's full of disco, house, techno awesomeness and has rejuvinated my love of music (not that it ever really waned...)
I am currently failing to find work but have sent out some c.v.'s and have signed up to an agency. I will be handing out more c.v.'s and looking in different places over the coming weeks and hopefully I will find something that will help me pay of my "debt".
I place debt in inverted commas because it wasn't voluntary debt more just the goverment expecting my parents to pay and my parents expecting me to pay half of it back...
So yeah, not much more to report really except that life is awesome and stuff... oh wait!
I have no idea how I could have forgotten!
I now have a boyfriend. :D He is awesome and gorgeous and has a really cute grin he does when our noses touch and I tease him for a kiss. We have now been together just over two months and I am incredibly happy. He makes me smile so much. :D :D :D :D
I have been missing him like crazy recently due to him being in Birmingham and me being in Blackpool but I got to spend an awesome long weekend with him for his birthday and I get to see him in August when we go see Much Ado About Nothing with........ DAVID TENNANT and KATHERINE TATE! Fuck yeah! It's going to be fantastic... boyfriend, Shakespeare, famous people what more could I want!? :P
So yeah, life has been full of awesome and crap in equal doses recently but once again I have managed to keep my spirits high and I am just as happy and energetic as ever. If not more so!
Peace.
Quote of the day: "They say home is where the heart is, and my heart is in your hands..." - David Broadhurst
Song of the day: Tensnake - Something about you (As egotistical as it it I'd like to be able to link to the remix of this song that I'm working on for the competition but it's not online yet)
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