My life is a supernova in a universe. And in this split-second that is my life I have to use all the time that I have and do everything that I want. It's a beautiful realisation. And I'm going to act on it.
Expect to be hearing my music on a c.d.
Expect to be reading my words in a book.
So what have I been up to?
Lots.
I've been writing lots and lots and lots of music, frantically trying to get my thoughts down on my computer, editing and re-editing the simplest things to make it all sound perfect. And then quickly moving onto the next song, just so that it's not lost in the ether of my mind. Because ideas are milliseconds. And milliseconds move to quickly.
I have also been doing some writing. Less writing than making music admittedly but I don't mind. It's finding a healthy balance. I've not quite found it yet. But I'm nearly there.
My summer has consisted of me working. And if I haven't been at work I've been working at home for my resit. And I've been working on my organisation. And I've been working on my songs. I've been working at living home alone. I've been working on my relationship with my boyfriend Sam.
I haven't stopped. And whilst It's been exhilarating and exciting, it's also been every other emotion under the sun. Namely tiring. But I can deal with it for now. I'm just going to have to crash and burn when I finish work.
My songs are good. At least I'd like to think they are. Maybe they're not. But thinking like that wouldn't get me very far would it. Ok, so non of them are perfect album material.
But this is the beginning of something big.
I can feel it.
The fuse has been lit and soon I'm going to explode. Just like a firework.
I feel just how I assume Kerouac felt when he said “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"
And I know it seems incredulous to believe it but I feel like I am Kerouac. On my own adventure. Never letting the moment pass me by. Never letting the precious little, golden, milliseconds pass me by. Which is why I've not been thinking about what happens when Sam goes away to Bangor on the 20th of September.
Our relationship has been strengthened to the point where I'm beginning to think that it would work, that I could cope with the long distance. In fact the more I think about it the more I realise that right now I would totally deal with the long distance.
Our relationship has been getting stronger. I don't know how, or why, but it has. So much so that we're going to Manchester Pride next weekend. Me, Sam and some friends. It's going to be awesome. We're not parading, just watching, waving flags, holding each others hand. Being blissfully in love. And not giving a flying fuck about anything other than what a special connection there is between us. Nurturing the connection like it was a delicate Bonsai.
I am in love.
There are no two ways about it.
I'm in love.
And there's nothing I can do.
xx
Quote of the day: “I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” - Jack Kerouac - On the Road
Song of the day: Marina and the Diamonds - I am not a robot
