Excuse me while I sing and scream towards the heavens that all betwixt heaven and earth is but a dream...

God am I feeling reminiscent. To the point where I'm actually tearing up.

I guess it kind of started when me and Liz (well Liz really) spotted Paul (with the hair *cue hand movements*) (I'll post a picture later, it's important for you to see the hair) in Manchester on Saturday. He didn't notice us and after deliberating for too long I decided to run after him. He was on an escalator so I shouted him a few times and he did turn round, but didn't see me. Which made me kinda sad. But hey. Then after leaving it a little too late again we decided that we should stalk him. He'd obviously left the arcade at this point. Which made me sad again. But hey ho. I cheered up not long after.

Today I looked on his myspace, in the hope of possibly getting in touch with him on facebook or by txt or something, as he doesn't seem to have updated his myspace in ages. This was to no avail however.

All it served to do was make me really, really reminiscent. and then teary because of the reminiscence.

And when I say teary I mean like actually almost going to cry teary. I'm at work so it's good that I didn't actually cry. But hey.

Now I'm listening to random music on my i-pod that's making me reminisce more. Which isn't too good, but hey.

I'm thinking of my tears as tears of joy. Or maybe not.

College was the best fucking two years of my life!

Hands down.

I'm sad that things moved on.

No matter the shit that I went through with depression and stuffs, it was the best two years of my life, no competition.

I'd love to go back to Runshaw for a day, with Liz, Paul, Emma and Rob, and just sit on those wooden benches outside Dalehead. The famous Dalehead restaurant where I spent many a lunch-time and many a free-period. It would have to be sunny though.

Crap, I've just realised that Paul was the first person I met at Runshaw. I mean I already knew Liz (and Emma apparently) from a French exchange a few years back, and even though we were in the same form I hadn't seen her in years and didnt' really know her. So this makes Paul the first person I met at Runshaw (besides my form tutor). He was in my form and the first thing I remember thinking is "Wow, look at that hair. He looks really cool. I'll sit next to him." He was the only person in the room besides me and the form tutor. It was kinda weird. But cool all the same.

And I rememeber after our first tutor period (that lasted half a day) Me, Liz and Paul all deciding where to get lunch. We were like first-day-buddies. It was awesome.

I need to stop reminiscing.

"But it feels so good."

"But it feels so sad."

"Good"

"Sad"

*Ahem*

Excuse me and my moment of mild multiple personality disorder their.

There's not much more to say.

Except that I wish I was back at college.

IT WAS AWESOME!

Oh how I wish I still felt the touch or something great,
how how I wish I still felt the warm laugh that used to lighten my day,
oh how I wish that times gone by were times still here,
oh how I wish...


*Edit* I've just remembered the phunk (funk) band that Me Dan and Paul were in. It was awesome. It was only for a while, but it was fun while it lasted.

Soundtrack to college: Erm... the soundtrack to college was probably anything by Elliot Minor, lots of P!nk, a good dose of Cradle of Filth, and some phunk.

Quote of the day:

• "Me and Justin were in the locker room talking and we were just reminiscing about it seems like just yesterday that we got here, and how we don't want it to be over.” - Lenny Jefferson.
  
  
• "To reminisce with my old friends, a chance to share some memories, and play our songs again.” - Ricky Nelson

My life laid on a platter like minature pork-pies at some pretentious art show...

What to blog about? I have no idea. My minds gone a bit blank today. I think I might just blog about my failures and successes in life.



Everyone has felt failure. Everyone has felt success. Little few though actually reach for their dreams. And I'm not talking about dreams that say "Oh It would be cool to be in a band" or the such-like. I mean proper, actual dreams.



I've been thinking about my dreams lately and whether or not I actually wanted to achieve them. And it got me to thinking that actually, I do want my dreams. I started to think that my life would be worthless and useless if I didn't reach for them and achieve them.



In light of that I got thinking about what I'd actually like to do as a job. What I'd like to spend my adult life doing. And I came to the conclusion that I don't want to be doing a job like my parents.



They're both optometrists (opticians with a few more qualifications) and own their own business. And you know, that's good for them. But both of them have been driven by a need to provide for their family what they didn't necesarrily have as children.



Being frank I must admit that I'm greatful that they chose that path. In a way I've had an "easy" life (when it comes to money - forgetting all the dyspraxia and depression and what-not) and I guess that we've never had to worry about money as a family and y'a know, afford to go to Marks and Spencers and stuff like that. I must point out thought that I was never spoilt. My parents always tried to keep me down to earth. And I think they succeded. Through and through.



But like I said, I don't want to go down that path, of having a career and it being my life and earning lots of money and having nice things and you know, being "wealthy".



I've come to the conclusion that if I don't do something creative as a job then I'll go insane and end up slitting my wrists or something similar. And that would be bad.



Attention Deficit Disorder makes it impossible to even think of me in an office or anything that involves me being in a suit.



So here goes laying out my life plan on a platter for all to see.



There are only a few things that I want in my life (that I can think of, more may come to me as I type)



Here goes;

1. A novel published - I have been thinking about this for a while now, and it's something that I always dreamed of, but I always dreamed in a way that was nothing more than dreaming. Now however, it's going to become a reality. I AM GOING TO PUBLISH AT LEAST ONE NOVEL BEFORE I DIE!
   


2. Record a C.D. for commercial purchase - This is something that has always been a big part of my dream, I have been writing and composing music since I first started to play the piano at the age of 10. It's a big part of my life and my life is so much better when I'm composing. Not many of my songs get finished, but that's because I usually write the first verse, the chorus and the middle-8 or bridge and then all I need to do to finish the song is record it and repeat bits. I AM GOING TO RECORD A C.D. FOR COMMERCIAL PURCHASE BEFORE I DIE!
   


3. Own a cottage in The Lake District - I took my first steps in The Lake District. Enough said? Thought not. I have been fell-walking in those mountains for years, and by years I mean all my life. At some periods (like right now) I've not been as frequently, but I still do it. And you know, I've never really imagined living anywhere else. Besides my parents house. It's strange. I know it's not just going to fall into my lap and that I'll have to save lots and lots of money to make it happen. But I'll save, and it WILL happen! I AM GOING TO LIVE IN A COTTAGE IN THE LAKE DISTRICT!

I am undecided as to what I want to make my career, music or writing, but if I could achieve just one of those as a career then I would be ecstatic. Doing both would be brilliant though. Difficult but brilliant.

So yeah. That's how my life is going to be, summed up in three simple points.

I can feel a kind of electricity in the air after writing all that. I can feel the fire of desire burning bright. Right at this moment I feel more productive than ever before. Right now I know I am going to reach far beyong the moon and stars. Right now I will live to work, not work to live.

I AM ALIVE!!!

Quote of the day: "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do." - Bob Dylan (so true)

Song of the day: Beirut - Scenic World

Fleeting bursts of energy, channeled into nothing more than the tap, tap, tap of fingers on keys...

Today is weird. In an "I don't know what's going on" kind of way. I mean 'cause I started the day a little late today, after having an hour lie-in, which subsequently made me have to rush this morning. The up-side to me having to rush was that I ended up feeling full of energy when I arrived at work this morning.

That soon dissapeared.

Then I got a pain in my left "moob" (for want of a better word 'cause it's not that much of a moob) that wouldn't go away. Which was strange.

Then I started feeling on and off sleepy. I have been all morning. I mean yesterday I was just zonked all day. Today though I've been on and off sleepy. It's strange. I mean ok, Mock the Week did keep me up until 11:00, but it's not that fucking late. And it shouldn't make me this fucking tired.

Holy crap. I've just rememebered that I got up at 1:00. Haha. Not intentionally you see. But I remember waking up and seeing that it wa slight and going to the loo and then switching on my phone just in case I had slept right through my alarm (something I never do). Then when I realised it was 1:00 I went straight back to bed and back to sleep.

Maybe that is a contributing factor to my tiredness.

But then again I don't think so.

Mainly because I've had lots and lots of nice, comfortable nights of uninterrupted sleep and still felt this tired.

Meh I'm pissed off with my work days at the moment. I was going to say that I was pissed off with my life. But then I realised how good it is spending all this time with my best friends and my boyfriend. And y'a know, things could be worse... I guess.

So in a roundabout way I've gone from feeling angry and pissed, to feeling content in the knowledge that I am living life, that I am enjoying myself, and that hopefully this fucking tiredness will go away soon.

On another more sombre note, I am going to have to break up with Sam at some point. It's not ideal, but he's going to Bangor University in Wales next year. I'm not a long distance person. If over the summer I fall even more in love with him (if that's possible) then I might give it a try, but to be honest it would be really, really, difficult, because I really, really, really, really, really, need my attention. And then there's the fact that he comes from London and that he wouldn't really have any need to be in Lancaster except to see me, and that it would be really difficult to see him at holidays and stuff because he'd either be in Wales or London. And you know, they're both pretty far away.

I'm going to see how it goes though. I'm going to take it in my stride and love him whilst I can. I am going to make sure that we do the things we want to do together, before circumstances push us apart.

This will involve planning. But it will be done.

Peace out.

xx

Quote of the day: "Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach."

Song of the day: Exploration of Space - Cosmic Gate

The shit hits the fan...

So today once again, things are going to shit. I'm feeling kackered as ever and I don't know why. I went to bed at 11fuckingo'clock last night. Gods. It's not good when you realise that you've nearly not got the strength to open a bottle of coke.

Temporary narcolepsy much?

No such thing as it apparently, but there should be. 'Coz I've got it.

I mean my job can't be that boring that it's making me this tired surely. I can understand it making me bored and lonely and other such things, but making me THIS tired is just simply stupid.

That's all for now. I have stuff to plan.

xx

Narcoleptic boy...

I'm starting to feel narcoleptic. I know I'm not. But I feel it. I've a feeling it's the stupidly, stupidly, stupidly boring work that I'm doing. And the mind-numbing-ness of it all. It's incredulously mind-numbing. It's like I even just enter a light trance or just get bored from it, it's like it actually sends me to sleep. What with the computer screen, and the alone-ness, and the lack of human interaction, the lack of using my voice and the lack of standing up much (except to go to the toilet), the lack of any physical contact with anything other than the keyboard, the door-handle to get out the room for the toilet and my lunch.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCKING HELL.

helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore
helpmebeforeislitmywristsbecauseicannottakeitanymore

*Ahem*

I am sorry for that outburst. *Sarcastic voice* It's not like me. Honest.

The job I'm doing would probably still be boring as hell if I was high.

Fuck.

xx

Quote of the day: "I just couldn’t live with myself knowing I had just killed myself." and
"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”

Song of the day: We are the people - Empire of the Sun