There's changing times...

"There's changing times,
and changing lives,
trains of thought,
and trains of desire.."

My life is changing. In ways that I never imagned possible, my life has taken a course which twists and turns through the darkest depth of my psyche right through to the happiest moments. These twists and turns cause questions to arise; Am I on the right path? Do I really enjoy what I'm doing? Do I just enjoy the idea that won't end up doing a "proper" job?

If I'm being honest (and what other way is there to be), my summer wasn't great. In fact it was pretty crappy. There have been some awesome moments but I believe that I always knew in the back of my mind that these moments were tainted by something not so sweet. Now over the years I have developed a sort of self-perpetuating happiness and a positivity that usually kicks in when things are going wrong and manages to keep me positively afloat. Sometimes though the feeling that I just want to crawl beneath the sheets and hold someone until the world rights its wrongs is so very strong. That's not to say that I would be able to - A.D.D. pretty much prevents me from staying still for anything longer than 5 minutes (even when I'm asleep) - or that because I want to hide I have given up on life at all. But it does make me begin to wonder whether any of this is worth it all. Is it worth struggling through a university course where ultimately my happiness isn't guaranteed just to fulfill some part of my life that I feel is "necessary"? Is it worth struggling into a difficult career when I know that I would be quite happy making music as a hobby in my bedroom? Of course I know that I could never be happy in any other career and maybe I'm being stupid and naive in thinking that I could ever find the kind of happiness I strive for in my life but it definitely feels like there's a choice I have to make between the short, sweet pleasure and a longer pleasure that is more difficult to achieve.

Change can be a wonderful and intoxicating thing and it is in these uncertain times that I have to grab life with both my hands and shake it until I have coveted every last second it has to offer.

This moment is all I have and goddamnit it's fucking awesome!

Quote of the day: 
"aren't we married?!
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
it's not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it" - Bon Iver, Beth/Rest

Song of the day: Nitin Sawhney - Days of Fire