The reason I'm home alone is because my sister's still at uni and my parents have gone on holiday. This has happened for a few years now and so it's not unusual for me to spend varying amounts of time on my own over summer. Usually though it's not this bad. Usually I get up, lounge around the house, eat food, watch films, make music, drink jd, stay up until sunrise, sleep, repeat. Usually this doesn't bother me at all. Usually I enjoy it. This time it's different though. I have no idea why. And it sucks.
Of course deep down I get the feeling it's down to my F.E.R.S. (Fuck-up Emotional Response System)* that I'm feeling like this but I don't really want to admit it.
Before I came home from university I spent three weeks hanging out with an amazing person sharing music, films, food and a joie de vivre that I've only found in a handful of people other than myself. In the final week I didn't spend a single night alone and tried mind-bending, emotion expanding substances. It was amazing.
The downside (if indeed there can be a downside to such an amazing few weeks)? I went from being who I really am (a vibrant, confident, mind in the gutter kind of guy who enjoys laughing and doesn't enjoy tidying or washing) to being my parents son (a shy, lazy, guy having to filter every thought and every single word) to being on my own (a lonely, bored, guy who would probably talk to walls to stay sane).
Now I understand that everyone has different "modes" they adopt around different people. I don't think anyone is the same around their parents as they are around their friends, and we all know what we can mention to certain family members and what to keep to ourselves. I mean I definitely don't think I have to hide "everything" from my parents (for which I am incredibly lucky) but I do feel like I become a drastically different person around them.
This combined with my F.E.R.S. has made the weekend far more stressful than it should have been.
But what exactly is a F.E.R.S? It stands for Fucked-up Emotional Response System and is a by-product of my dyspraxia. Dyspraxia is a developmental coordination difficulty which manifests itself in a lack of fine and gross motor control resulting in a lack of hand-eye coordination and depth perception. It also affects learning, thought and memory. As well as this is also affects my emotions.
And by "affects my emotions" I mean I find it really, difficult to decipher my own emotions let alone the emotions of others. This has improved over the years through being depressed (in many ways it helped me understand what being sad felt like) and through helping friends through difficult situations but it's still not easy.
Some of the symptoms that dyspraxics may experience are;
- Impulsive. Tendency to be easily frustrated, wanting immediate gratification
- Tendency to be erratic and have 'good and bad days'
The tendency to be erratic is something I feel that most people can relate to on some level so it's not something that bothers me too much. The falling in love so easily, however, isn't as simple.
Case in point, I currently have a girlfriend (in case you hadn't guessed). We've been officially dating for about three weeks, got to know each other properly for about a week before that and have been acquaintances all year (bumping into each other at uni events etc.).
I really like her. I have from the moment I realised she had an awesome taste in music, and films to the moment she died her hair blue and I realised she likes to party hard. But we've only been dating for about three weeks. Of course a lot can happen in three weeks and strong emotions can definitely be (and have definitely been) formed. But how strong? Can you fall in love in three weeks? Can this emotion I'm feeling be love? And if so, have I loved everyone I've dated? It's a complex issue, one that I've yet to find an answer for. And yes, I'm trying not to care about the answer but it's difficult when I'm spending large amounts of time lost in thought and when I know that hugs and kisses would make this loneliness disappear in the blink of an eye, when I know that sharing my joy of sunny days and bike-rides, films and new bands would make everything better.
You know how there's polyamory (which can mean infinite/many love)? There should be something similar but for people who fall in love quickly, like, "celeramory" or something.
Is there a point to this post? Let's find one.**
- I'm going through lots of "emotional awesome" at the moment and simultaneously having a difficult time deciphering these emotions.
- I'm home alone in my parents house pandering to their standards of living (because it is their house after all).
- I really, really miss my friends/girlfriend.
So the waves of awesome and shit and emotionally weird and loneliness will come but for now I'm going to revel in the fact that I am surrounded by awesome people who are just as weird as me and as such haven't figured out they should probably be running in the opposite direction to me. :P
Plus as my dad always says "You only get wet once." and I'll be dammed if he isn't right.
Quote of the day: "We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Dr. Seuss
Song of the day: The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio
*That made me giggle far too much for some reason
**Internet points if you get the reference
No comments:
Post a Comment